I’m going to say something now that I never thought I would ever say: I think I’m a people person. When university ended for summer this year, I was so ready to have some time to myself and dive into all the things that I love doing, but haven’t been able to do because of the workload as a student. But now, after two months, I am going insane.
Being alone was fantastic at first. After the breakdown of my relationship, I was ready to embrace a bit of time to myself. My friends left Cardiff to visit home for the summer, and even that separation felt like a relief because we all reminded each other of the stress and pressure of essay period. But now, having done nothing but spend time alone, away from friends and family, only having contact with the outside world when I went to work, I’m ready for summer to be over.
There’s something about only seeing housemates and colleagues that is lacking fulfilment of my social needs. I miss my friends, I miss my family, and I’m bored of myself. I have always liked having time to myself, but this is just extensive. There’s another two months until university kickstarts again and I am dying to go to lectures and seminars. I thought that it was enough to be busy for the summer, to be working two jobs and working on my novel, but the lack of social relationships is seriously affecting my mentality.
I can’t even sit down to read much anymore because I only think about how lonely it feels. I love being busy, but I miss being busy with my friends. Despite getting on really well with my housemates, I still long for the friendships that are scattered across England and Wales for the summer. My colleagues have become a separate kind of family for me. We rely on each other and have days/nights out, but it still isn’t the same. Colleagues and housemates have obligations to each other that make it difficult to fill the social relationships that become friendships.
I think another factor of my loneliness falls on the separation from my boyfriend. After two and a half years, and most of the last year being turmoil and anger, it was time to be apart. But something that is hard to let go of is the bond you have with a partner. It goes beyond friendship and family and becomes something incredible. Even though we had our tough times, I still had that one person I could tell everything too, although that dwindled by the end of our relationship. I miss that and I never thought I would.
So, this isolation has led me to consider the difference between ‘loneliness’ and being ‘alone’. I love my own company, so being alone genuinely isn’t something I’m afraid of. But when that becomes loneliness, and surpasses ‘alone time’ to isolation, despite being out in the world everyday, it can be depressing. I like being alone, but after two months of my own company, it is seriously starting to drive me insane. I don’t like being lonely, and I know now how difficult it can be to remember the difference.
Spending the majority of my two months staying in contact with my friends and family through social media is taking it’s toll… She says, while eating Haagen-Dazs from the tub in the confines of her bedroom.
one person's thoughts. 